Fullchibi Alchemist
by Rowana Renee
Summary: 1: Envy has a sinister plan. Can Hughes figure out which is the real Ed?
1. Made You Look

**Okies, so this is my first little journey into the FMA fanfiction world. I've only seen the first anime series (Regular FMA, not the Brotherhood version) and am not fully and completely comfortable with the characters yet, so I'm doing this series of just-for-fun oneshots that's more like the chibi party (Which I did watch on youtube, and was thoroughly confused ^_^) than anything else. Still, hopefully some of it will make you giggle. These are mostly just the silly puns I've thought of while watching, because Edward is fun to tease.**

**Anyways, if anyone actually likes these, I might try for some actual serious fanfictions at some point, but I do have some other projects I'll be working on. Hope you enjoy this ^_^**

1. Made You Look!

"Aru?" the boy shook his head, blinking large, golden eyes as he attempted to figure out where he was. Of course, it only took a moment to discern that he wasn't in his bed, judging by the manacles attached to his arms and legs.

"Gyah!" he yelped, thrashing about wildly, "Aru? _Aru_!"

His flailing ceased as he heard a voice from the darkness, a voice he knew all too well...

"Well well well, the Fullchibi Alchemist is awake. Ugh. _Fin_ally. I was starting to get bored."

"Envy!" Ed squeaked, pulling at the chains and glaring up at his enemy, lower lip threatening a pout, "Don't call me small you-"

Envy rolled his eyes and leaned back, examining his fingernails nonchalantly by holding one hand out in front of his face and extending his fingers as far as they would go*. "Good luck getting out of those," he quipped, "they're tight enough you shouldn't be able to get your hands together..." he flashed a devilish grin.

Ed sulked, eyebrows going into perfect slants. "Well...whadoyou _want_, anyway?"

The green-haired figure in the miniskirt shrugged. "I want a lot of things...anything that someone else has, really…living up to my name and all…. But that's not why you're here. Like I said," he paused, flashing a deadpan glower, "I was bored. That's where _you_ come in."

The Fullchibi Alchemist tilted his head to one side, one eye becoming almost invisible behind his hair. He tried to ignore the fangs that were sticking out of Envy's mouth. "You're sick, Envy. Really _sick_. And what'd you do with Al? Where is he?"

Envy leaned uncomfortably close and patted him on the head, eyes forming malevolent and teasing half-moons as he jeered. "Never you mind, you're the one I want, after all," he sing-songed.

Ed scowled and tried to burn holes in Envy's face with his eyes.

The palm tree cosplayer frowned, swaying from side to side with one hand under his chin as he contemplated what to do. "I could always take off your automail and beat you with it..." he mused, "_Or_ maybe swap your metal _arm_ for your metal _leg_..." he adapted a gleeful expression, eyes narrowing to triangles as he held one finger in the air, mouth open and one fanged tooth glittering. "I think that's what I'll do!"

Ed recoiled, looking disgusted. "Envy, you're _so weird_..."

Envy nodded rapidly, dancing around and clapping. "You have _no idea_! Now!" he began fiddling with the wires on Ed's right arm, "I just have to figure out how to get these off."

Ed shot him a sideways look, eyes suddenly widening as a thought came to mind. "Actually, I don't think that's gonna happen."

His captor came up short, sticking one finger in his mouth and blinking in confusion while red swirls danced above his head. "Really?" he tilted his head as far as it would go, using the other hand to poke the automail. "Why not?"

Ed grinned, and little devil horns appeared on his head as flames became visible in his eyes. "Because you forgot about-"

At about that time, there was a loud crash from the hallway, and the voices of Al, Roy, Hawkeye, and Hughes became audible.

Envy deflated slightly. "Well that wasn't expected."

Ed was practically dancing in place. "See? You don't get to do anything to me!"

"Wanna bet?"

"N?" Envy grinned in an especially malicious way and lunged.

"AHHHHHHHHHH!"

"Hold _STILL_ you little twerp!"

"What are you doing? Geroffme!"

"Not til I'm done!"

"What's the wrench for?"

"SHUT! UP!"

Envy sat back, panting and holding the newly detached manacles. Ed simply stared at him, wearing an alarmed expression. It was short lived, however, before he was leaning forward and pointing accusingly at the green-haired nuisance. "Oh. You think they'll go easy on you because you let me go! Not gonna happen, Envy! And I won't go easy on you either!"

Envy said nothing, only tackled Ed again, sending both of them sprawling.

"AGHHH! WHERE'D YOU GET THAT SCREWDRIVER?"

"Be quiet! Hold still!"

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT WIRE?"

"I said shut up! *Smack*"

"Hey! That wasn't-" *Crash*

"DON'T! KICK ME, YOU LITTLE-"

A small cloud of dust formed, whirling about the room as sparks flew in all directions, the occasional limb or flash of gold or green hair emerging, until the whole thing came to a stop. As the dust cleared, Envy was revealed, triumphantly holding Ed's right arm above his head like a trophy. Ed, glaring at him with all-white eyes, jumped in attempt to reach it.

"That's not _fair_!" he whined, "Now I can't use alchemy!"

Envy chuckled. "I know, chibi-san! That's why I took it!" hearts appeared in his eyes and he twirled slightly, still clutching the arm like some sort of prize, lower this time. "Now I might get to have some fun after all!"

Ed latched onto the hand and tugged as hard as he could. "That's mine, you jerk! Give it back! Get your own!"

Envy, having two hands to pull with, rolled his eyes and yanked it out of Ed's grasp. "No. I don't think I will." he giggled happily, tossing the arm to one side while Ed regarded him with a baleful expression. "Now let's see what your friends think of _this_."

Ed sighed, slouching where he stood. "Think of _what_?"

The door crashed open just as Envy finished shape shifting into a perfect imitation of Ed, including the slouch and missing arm before he straightened up, laughing hard with hand on hip.

The assembled crowd in the doorway blinked, as did Ed.

Envy flashed a grin, light glinting off his teeth blindingly. The word 'troll' flitted briefly around his head as he jabbed his thumb toward his chest. "Weren't expecting this, _were you_?" he purred.

Al glanced at Mustang, shrugging. "We should still be able to tell them apart, after all, the real Ed is the-"

Without warning, Envy!Ed grabbed Real!Ed by the hands and dragged him around the room in violent circles, spinning this way and that while shape shifting yet again.

Ed, once he stopped spinning and was able to stand up properly without having to hold his arm out and flap, glowered at Mustang. "I'm the real one!" he shrieked, bouncing slightly, "You can kill _him_!" he leered at other Ed.

Other Ed snarled slightly, little hand curling into a fist. "He's lying! _I'm_ the real Ed!" he regarded Al with a hurt and somewhat betrayed look. "Don't you know _your _own_ brother_?"

Al's head became infinitely more rounded as he sweatdropped, both eyes going wide, pupils shrinking to pinpoints as the others turned toward him. "I...I...uh...I-"

Ed wailed, falling to his knees and clutching his one hand to his chest while he flung his head back, two gigantic streams of tears coming from his eyes. "MY OWN BROTHER CAN'T TELL I'M MEEEEEEE!"

Al squirmed nervously while Hughes' glasses flashed with a strange light. He tilted his head down, grasping his chin with one hand as he examined the two Edwards with a critical eye. "There must be some way to know which is which..." he mumbled darkly.

Roy nearly keeled over as Hughes whacked him on the back. "What the hell?"

Hughes struck a pose, and Roy was horrified to see a picture of the man's daughter grasped firmly between his fingers. "A FATHER KNOWS HIS TRUE CHILD!" he exclaimed in a booming voice, "IF ANYONE CAN FIGURE OUT WHICH IS THE REAL ED, IT'S _YOU_!"

Roy twitched.

Hawkeye's eyebrows came dangerously close to swapping places as she frowned, looking between the two of them. "This is ridiculous. Roy's not Ed's dad-"

Hughes' head swiveled to look at her, and he adapted a confused look. "_What_? You haven't heard the rumours?"

Roy sighed, placing one hand on his head. This was giving him a migraine. "Hughes," he growled quietly, "There. are. no. rumours."

Hughes shrugged. "Whatever you say, sir, but you knooooow...a lotta people really think you and Ed _might be_-"

"SHUT UP!" Roy could actually feel his head getting bigger as a halo of flame appeared around him.

Hughes seemed to shrink slightly.

"Uh? Maybe we should hurry up and figure this out?" came Al's voice, directing Roy's attention back to the Eds.

The screaming one was still screaming, writhing on the floor and crying his eyes out in the most pathetic way Roy had ever seen, beating the floor with his fist and kicking his little legs as if having a tantrum. The other was glaring defiantly and eying the discarded metal arm on the floor with something akin to malice.

Hawkeye grinned suddenly, looking down and closing her eyes. "I think that's Envy, sir."

"What makes you think that?"

Hawkeye looked up with a dangerous glint in her eye. "We'll know in a minute. If he starts wailing on the other one, we'll know."

Al looked horrified. "You're not gonna let him...hit him, are you?"

Hughes looked a little reproachful as well, but said nothing, appearing deep in thought once again.

Roy sulked. "If that mewling wreck on the floor is the real Ed, and he gets hit-"

"I'll pull your head off." Al sounded dead serious.

"Thought so."

Roy turned to Hawkeye, an idea forming. "We could get them to use Alchemy," he said, "Envy can't. So we just have to figure out which one-"

He glanced down with a shudder, seeing that the crying Ed was now, as they'd expected, being throttled by the other with the metal arm. The one doing the throttling seemed ecstatic, murderous, psychopathic...

"Are you sure that's not enough to prove he's Envy?"

"I dunno...Ni-San _does_ get pretty mad..."

Roy winced. "So...Alchemy it is?"

Hawkeye nodded, looking a bit disappointed that they weren't going to go through with her original plan. "One problem, sir," she replied, "We'll have to wrestle one of them down long enough to reattach the missing arm, which might be a bit difficu-"

She was interrupted by the explosion and the small puff of smoke.

The Ed that had been crying sat up suddenly, gaping at the one holding the smoldering remains of the metal arm. "You...you...YOU BLEW UP MY ARM!" he screeched, "WINRY'S GONNA KILL ME!"

The Ed holding the arm snorted. "No, you wannabe! _I_ just blew up _my OWN_ ARM! WINRY'S GONNA KILL _ME_!"

Ed sniffled, scrubbing his arm across his face as he climbed shakily to his feet. "No she's nnnnotttt!" he sobbed, "_I'm_ gonna kill _you_, and then Winry's gonna kill _me_!"

The two glared at each other for a moment before attacking.

Roy and Hawkeye exchanged glances.

Al was squirming nervously, rocking from foot to foot and holding his hands close to his face. "Ohh...oh...which one is Ni-San?" he cried, rounding on Roy, "HURRY UP! What if one of them gets killed?"

Roy watched the fight for ten minutes almost disinterestedly, until there was a pause in the commotion as one Ed tackled the other to the ground, pulling the others' hair while being dragged slowly down by his own braid.

He turned victoriously to Hawkeye and Hughes. "Calm down, ladies, I've got this under control," he announced proudly, turning back to the two Eds. He inhaled deeply, adapting his most menacing, troll-like tone. "HEY! SHRIMP!" he roared, and waited for the answer. Surely whichever was the most violent would be the right Ed.

Both of them, however, simply paused in their attacks to glare at him. "DON'T CALL US SHORT!" they both shrieked.

"Ah..." Hughes scratched his chin thoughtfully. "AH!" he stood up from where he had been sitting against the wall, thinking, and approached with a massive grin. He pushed Roy aside, beaming. "I've got it." he said quietly, then,

"BOTH OF YOU! SHUT! UP!"

They both stared at him.

Hughes glared coldly down at them. "SILENCE!"

They both stood there, exchanging nervous glances.

There was a moment of tense silence.

One Ed jumped to his feet and pointed at the other. "THIS ISN'T RIGHT! HE'S THE FAKE ED! HOW CAN YOU NOT-"

"I said...be...QUIET!"

The offending Ed turned deathly pale.

The other grinned massively and turned to giggle at him.

Hughes wasn't impressed. They were both acting exactly like Edward, yet...he was sure that the test he'd come up with would give him the answer they were looking for.

"Stand up straight," he ordered, "Straight as you can."

They looked nervous, but complied.

Hughes observed for a moment, then turned to Roy, Hawkeye, and Al, laughing softly as he jerked a thumb back toward the two Eds. "It's not hard at all, when they're standing still. I mean, take a look for yourselves."

Roy scowled as he drew closer, wondering what on earth Hughes was seeing that he hadn't been able to see before.

The Ed on the left was still sniffing quietly, hand clawing at a fistful of his red coat, while the other was glaring savagely at everyone around him, looking about ready to kill them all.

He was also about a head taller than the one on the left.

Roy gaped.

Hawkeye smirked at having gotten it right.

Al let out a gleeful exclamation and hurried to drag his still-sniveling brother into a massive hug. "BROTHER!" he yelped, "Are you okay?"

The Ed being hug twitched slightly, wheezing. "Yeah. Fine. Except that you didn't. know. it. was me. until someone _told_ you."

The slightly taller Ed on the right looked thoroughly dumbfounded, standing there gaping for all he was worth. "WHAT?" he started toward Hughes. "You've made a mistake!" he growled, "THAT BASTARD SHAPESHIFTED TO MAKE HIMSELF SHORTER!"

The formerly-crying Ed was grinning angelically from his spot next to Al.

Hughes sighed and patted the fuming Chibi Alchemist on the head. "Sorry, Envy. You better get outta here before Roy incinerates you, kid. But don't worry," he beamed, "You can always try again later. Do you want a picture of my daughter as a consolation prize?"

Ed muttered darkly and turned away. "WHAT IS _WRONG_ WITH YOU PEOPLE?"

He was starting toward the hallway when Roy dragged him back by the hood of the coat. "Actually, we can't let you leave."

Ed paled when he saw the look Roy was giving him. "What? You...you can't be serious..."

Roy nodded, looking pleased with himself. Hawkeye stepped into view just over his shoulder, holding two guns that were ready to fire.

Ed squeaked. "No way..."

Roy nodded again. "Yes way. I don't know how many times I have to kill you before it sticks, but hey...we've got all the time in the world." he snapped his fingers, a tiny ball of fire appearing above them.

Ed flailed in his grasp. "BUT I'M ME! ED! EDWARD ELRIC! THAT'S ENVY! YOU SHOULD BLOW HIM UP! C'MON! ARE YOU INSANE? DON'T TOUCH THE TRIGGER! HAWKEYE! I MEAN IT!"

Envy considered letting Roy torch the Chibi Alchemist, but decided against it. He hopped lightly out of Al's arms, turning back into himself as he went. "Fun game, chibi-san," he said happily, dancing past them all and blowing a kiss as he headed out the door, "We'll have to do it again sometime."

Everyone in the room was dumbfounded.

Roy's eyes slid to Ed, who was glaring at him quietly as his hair began to catch fire.

Hawkeye was sulking as she put her guns away.

They all turned to Hughes, who was backing away as quietly as possible.

"You know which one it is, huh?" Roy said, dangerously softly.

Hughes grinned and shrugged. "Er..oops..."

Ed was away from Roy in a second, the space around him darkening. "YOU ALMOST GOT ME KILLED AND ALL YOU CAN SAY IS OOPS?"

Hawkeye squirmed and looked away, murmuring through gritted teeth. "With all due respect, sir, it's only natural for him to assume that the shorter one is more likely to be real..." she poked two fingers together awkwardly, turning further away and glancing back at him.

Ed continued growling.

Al, for his part, looked like he might actually cry.

.


	2. Scar'd

**By the way, none of these are connected unless otherwise stated. This one is the prequel to chapter three ^_^**

Ed was starting to regret not going home right away. Not because he was tired, but because Al had already left, meaning that the Fullchibi Alchemist was left to navigate the darkening streets by himself. And it was getting dark pretty quick.

He snorted quietly. "Ah, who cares anyway? It's not like I don't know the way...not like I'm scared or anything..."

As if to test his nerve, the sun decided to set a little more quickly than it should have. And there was almost no moonlight. And someone had forgotten to change the lightbulbs in the stars. In short, it got really dark, _really_ quickly. And it was like everyone who had been milling about two seconds ago either vanished or fell silent, the shadows lending eerie and suspicious tones to anyone left in sight.

Ed gulped and adjusted his coat.

He mentally ran over the safety course Riza Hawkeye had forced him and Al to sit through. The one he'd mostly tuned out, meaning that the only bits he remembered mostly entailed things about what went bump in the night, and all the stalkers, thugs, creeps, and villains that were sure to be hiding under his bed. And that he should probably just shoot them. Except that he didn't have a gun.

Grumbling to himself, he was starting to wish Hawkeye had been a little less thorough in describing in detail every single thing that could possibly go wrong.

"Not that anything's gonna happen to me," he murmured, "because I'm not scared of anything."

Gathering his courage, he nodded sharply, realising that he was right- there wasn't much left that could actually scare him, after all, so what was he worrying about? Wasn't it true that he hadn't been in a situation yet that he hadn't gotten out of?

That was rhetorical.

Pleased with himself for reaching this new enlightenment, he stood up a little straighter, newfound confidence turning fast into a little something called overconfidence.

Just to prove to himself that he wasn't scared, he turned to the opening of the nearest alley, beaming.

"Hey...that's right...I walk on the wild side, I laugh in the face of danger. Ah ha ha ha!"

What he wasn't expecting was the hand that shot out of nowhere and grabbed his face, dragging him into the alley.

After being dragged deeper into the alley- apparently kicking, clawing, and biting weren't going to work, he soon realised, and besides that, he was too disoriented from being face-grabbed to do much more besides shriek and flail- he was slammed back against one of the walls.

A million of Hawkeye's potential scenarios fluttered through his mind like evil, exploding butterflies.

He didn't want to open his eyes, but when he did he saw...

"Scar?" he yelped, regarding the red-eyed menace before him.

Scar looked grim, as ever. Even grimmer than usual, really, as if he'd read Ed's thoughts and was deeply offended by them. He didn't say anything, only looked down at Ed with his trademark grimace.

Ed blinked.

Scar grimaced harder, looking him up and down as if searching for something. When he finally spoke, he sounded annoyed. "Are you still a State Alchemist?" he growled.

Ed nodded rapidly, squirming in place. He couldn't go anywhere- Scar had one hand on each shoulder and was pressing so hard that he was pretty sure he was about to become one with the bricks directly behind him.

Scar's grip tightened and he leaned a little close. "You do know what I do to Alchemists who step out of Central HQ?"

It was Ed's turn to glare, and he did so. Vehemently. "You can't do anything to me," he replied.

The figure in front of him flexed his fingers and raised an eyebrow, looking slightly confused. "Why not?"

Ed rolled his eyes. "Because I can make this face."

"What face?"

Ed looked away for a moment, concentrating, then looked directly at Scar, locking his eyes onto the red ones.

In Scar's defense, the face he was being faced with had made grown men cry and spontaneously drop dead on sight.

Scar huffed, feeling a little of his soul shatter into a thousand tiny shards, which stabbed the rest of his soul, dislodging a few fragments and making them shatter as well, sending soul-shrapnel into the rest of his soul, which dislodged some fragments and made them shatter as well...

He ignored the feeling. "That's the best you can do? Ha. Like I said last time," he leered slightly, "I'll give you a second to pray."

Ed gaped. "WHAT? How can it not work on you?"

Scar shrugged. "I can make that face too."

"No you can't."

"...I can."

"No you can't!"

"...yes...I can."

"No. You can't."

Scar conceeded and gave proof that yes, he could in fact, make that face.

Ed wailed.

Scar, ignoring his sobs, let go, backing away a few paces and holding one hand out. "Okay, fine. Since you're just a little kid I'll let you try to fight your way out, but don't expect any-" he paused as he heard a clapping sound and looked up to see Ed smirking at him and offering his metal arm.

"Go ahead," the smug brat (Scar's thoughts, you know) said, "try to blow it up!"

Scar frowned and somewhat nervously grabbed the arm and tried to blow it up. It didn't work.

0x0

Ed grinned, jerking a thumb toward his chest. "That's right! I can alter the makeup so you can't do anything to me!"

Scar wanted to skip the blowing up and just beat him to death properly, but refrained. "You do realise that you've only got two invinsible spots, right? I can still go for the face, right leg, left arm," he proceeded to rattle off a list of anatomy that might be subject to being blown to bits. This list only excluded the left leg and right arm.

Ed deflated. "Darn...so...I mean, you won't though, right?"

His question was answered when Scar grabbed his face again.

Ed howled again. "Wait wait wait wait wait! You can't do that!"

Scar grit his teeth. "Why not?"

"Because...um...well...you already know I don't do anything bad with my alchemy!"

The lameness of his last comment practically dripped.

Scar nodded. "You've committed an unforgivable crime, Edward Elric, and for that you have to die."

Ed tried the flailing again. "Well, I was also eleven and didn't really technically no any better. Well, I did, but eleven year olds do really stupid- "

He shut up when Scar slammed his head back against the wall. "I wasn't talking about the human transmutation," the man interrupted him, voice dangerously low, "I was talking...about my jacket."

He said it like it was supposed to produce earth-shattering results and wave upon wave of guilt-ridden anguish. He was disappointed when it didn't.

"Wha-? Your...jacket?"

Scar nodded, looking down and to the side, a sudden spotlight shining on him as flashback mode was triggered. "That's right. I had a jacket. It used to be yellow, but it had faded to more of a tan colour." tears sprang to his eyes, "I loved that jacket. I could never wear it in Ishballa because it was always too hot over there, so when I came here...well...I loved wearing that jacket..."

He rounded on Ed with the fury of hell in his eyes.

"Then I met you. And you RIPPED THE SLEEVE OFF!" he fumed, steam appearing as his grip on Ed's face tightened.

Ed blinked. "And...that's a reason to...kill me?"

Scar nodded rapidly. "YES!" he turned away again, voice softening until it could barely be heard. "Do you know...how long it's taken me...to find another? AND IT'S NOT THE SAME AT ALL!"

Ed looked carefully between Scar's fingers at the jacket the man was wearing. "Uh...actually, I can't really tell the differenc-"

Scar whapped him with his free hand. "IT'S THE PRINCIPAL OF THE MATTER!" he roared, "THAT WAS MY FAVOURITE JACKET! AND YOU RUINED IT! NOW YOU'RE GOING TO PAY WITH YOUR LIFE!"

Ed gave him a bored, annoyed look. "Gee, Scar...what are you ON? My life for some stupid jacket? How's that equivi-"

Scar nodded before he could even finished, letting go of his face and assuming the thinking position. "You're right...it'll take more than just your life to fix what you've done in ruining that jacket...so I'll have you pay for your debt in some other way first...but how?"

Ed shrugged, rubbing his face in irritation as he sidestepped Scar to get out of the alley. "Ah, who knows? I'll see you tomorrow and you can give me an idea the-"

Scar dragged him back by the braid. "I don't think so."

He made a mental note to troll Hawkeye violently when he got back to HQ.


	3. My Arm was Stolen

**My brother gave me the idea for this one ^_^ It picks up where we left off- with Scar and Ed. It contains a parody of the song "My Arms are Broken" by Tim Hawkins. And by the way, I am not Tim Hawkins, nor am I making any money off of this. Just a bit of fun. **

It seemed Scar and Ed had reached an impasse, Ed having accidently convinced Scar that it would take worse than death to properly punish him for the destruction of Scar's favourite jacket, and Scar was determined not to let him leave until he figured out what exactly ought to be done.

They sat against opposite walls of the alley, glaring at each other.

Scar was deep in thought, but not deep enough not to notice every time Ed stupidly tried to leave. Ed had eventually given up and sat there, resigned to whatever fate was coming. He wanted to go to sleep, but every time he tried he remembered Hawkeye's list of warnings.

The woman had some sick ideas about what happened if you so much as blinked in the presense of a stranger.

Scar wasn't saying anything, just sitting there, head down and mouth curved into a grimace as he thought, probably running through a mental list that included most of the things Hawkeye had warned Ed about.

Ed twitched and made a high noise in the back of his throat.

Scar flashed him a glare. "Stop whining. You brought this on yourself. And you may as well give me some suggestions and pray I decide to use one of them before I do something really harsh."

Ed sighed, tilting his head and closing his eyes while raising his hand- Scar had dettached the other one to make sure he didn't use alchemy to escape. "Listen, Scar. I know you're pretty ticked about that jacket, but it was just a jacket, so I don't really think you should-"

"It was NOT JUST A JACKET!" Scar's eyes flashed.

Ed meeped and nodded. "Yeah, okay, okay, it wasn't just a jacket. But still. You should really consider what could happen if you do anything to me, make sure you're prepared to face the consequences-"

"You should've considered what would happen if you ruined my jacket."

Ed sulked, his nose and mouth vanishing for a second as his eyes turned all white with thick black rims, a dark swirl floating above his head as clouds of pure darkness gathered around him. "Oh...right...that was a good come back..."

Scar sat quietly for another few minutes, then seemed to be hit with an idea. "Ah..." he said, looking at Ed with a terrifying expression, "I know how to punish you. Well, not yet, but," he flashed a rare smile and Ed was suddenly glad the man didn't smile more often, "If I have you relate to me your entire history, I can find something in there to terrorise you with."

Ed blinked.

Scar glared.

Ed sighed. "Fiiiiiiiiiine. Where ya' want me to start?"

Scar glowered. "Wherever feels best for you. You better choose carefully, though. I shall exact my vengeance based on your words."

Ed exhaled loudly and thought for a moment. "Ugh. Alright, but you're getting the rushed version. I wanna go home-"

Scar narrowed his eyes. "Provided I let you live."

The Fullchibi Alchemist shrugged. "Ah, might as well let me live. No matter what you do I'll be Scar'd for life." he cackled, eyes turning into triangles for a moment. "See what I did there? Hahahahahahaa! Scar'd! You know, like-"

Scar wasn't amused.

Ed pouted. "Okay, fine." he climbed unsteadily to his feet, taking a deep breath. "You want my life history, right? Well, here it is."

Music started playing from apparently nowhere. Weird music. That was kind of catchy.

A spotlight appeared in the sky and shone down on Ed, reflecting off his hair and stabbing Scar in the face until the red-eyed man moved further into the shadows, grieviously annoyed.

Then, something he didn't expect. Ed started singing.

"So y'know, one day,

my brother and me

got a strange notion

to do some alchemy.

It was quite taboo,

we did it anyway,

drew up an array,

tried to transmutate...

My leg was stolen,

and my arm was too.

My brother's soul

is in an armour suit-

his body was stolen.

My limbs were stolen.

And after that

I had to wail

because Winry gave me

this stupid automail.

We got to Central

for the State Exam,

found I don't need circles,

just to clap my hands,

even though

My arm was stolen.

And my leg was too.

Well we've gotta hope

we find that dumb stone-

our bodies were stolen.

I can't forget that day

we drew the wrong array.

I know I should have chilled,

it almost got us killed-

Our parts were stolen.

Our parts were stolen.

I've got just one thing

I just gotta say-

that's: Truth's a real hag,

should blow up that gate.

There's no price chart

for us to consult.

We ignored that part

'cause I was a dolt.

And my arm was stolen.

And my leg was too.

My brother's soul

is in an armour suit.

Our parts were stolen.

Our parts were stolen.

Geez, it's lame working for the state,

now I've got this creep

won't stop grabbing at my face!

Our parts were stolen.

Our parts were stolen.

This is getting lame...

our parts were stolen..

Worse than anime...

Ahh yeah ha.

Our parts were stolen.

Were stolen."

He finished by dramatically lowering his microphone and looking down as the spotlight abruptly cut off, then anxiously awaited Scar's judgement.

Scar, for his part, was looking deeply offended at being called a creep, but also looking deeply enlightened.

"So, ya' figured out what you're gonna do yet?" Ed asked, examining his fingernails and leaning against the wall of the alley, trying not to look nervous. He'd tried not to give Scar much to go on...

Scar was already nodding and standing up. He loomed entirely too close for comfort. "YES! I have decided to punish you-"

Ed braced for something horrible.

"WITH MILK!"

Ed felt all of his bones vanish as he slid in a rather liquid-rubberlike fashion to the ground. "Wha-?"

Scar nodded. "That's right. While you were singing, I consulted the internet and found your weakness. MILK IT IS!"

Ed groaned. "Please, Scar. Not that! Just blow up my brain instead!"

Scar smirked. "I knew you would say that. Only by facing your worst nemesis can you know the true depths of suffering you caused by mutilating my beloved jacket! WE MUST AWAY TO THE MILK STORE!" ge grabbed Ed by the braid and began to bodily haul him out of the alley.

"But Scaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaar!" Ed mewled, "They're probably closed! You should do something else!"

Scar only laughed menacingly. "THEN WE'LL WAIT OUTSIDE UNTIL THEY OPEN!"


End file.
